On Infertility...

This is a post that I have started to write, rewritten, and given up on countless times.  You see, no one wants to talk about infertility.  It's not that there aren't many people struggling with infertility, because there are.  About 10% of women struggle with infertility - that's 1 for every 10 women.  So why do we rarely ever hear about it?  Because it's such a private matter.  However, I would like to say that it shouldn't be.  It is a trial, and just as we need the love, support, and encouragement of others during other major trials like the death of a loved one, we need love, support, and encouragement during infertility as well.  I have found that for me personally, it helps to talk with others about it - particularly others who have gone through the same thing as me - rather than just bottle it up.  Anyway, all that to say, with a bit of encouragement from my sister-in-law, I'm going to make myself vulnerable and blog some of the difficulties, temptations, struggles, and lessons I have learned and been through as a result of infertility.  In addition to simply being an outlet for me to express myself, I hope that it can possibly encourage other women struggling with infertility and help those who don't struggle with it understand the struggle a bit better so they know how to effectively minister to the infertile.

Let me say right from the beginning, though, that I have not figured out this whole infertility thing, nor do I think I ever will.  I have not "arrived."  I am a sinner who still struggles with infertility and that sin will probably become evident at times as I write.  I'm still trying to figure things out, trust the Lord, and pursue Him through it all and I must admit that I fail....A LOT.

Since infertility is such a huge monster to tackle, I decided I'd break it up into different posts.  I may focus on one aspect of infertility in each post or just something I'm learning.  For now, though, let me share this video I stumbled upon.  While it does a good job of conveying the emotional struggle, it leaves out the hope that we have as sons and daughters of Christ.  It is definitely a painful trial, but through it, we can have hope and comfort, knowing that God loves us and does what is best for us, even if it hurts.

So I hope you'll bear with me and my imperfections as I share this journey of ours.

Please Pray for this Family

I've been blown away by this family's story and their testimony through it.  I went to high school with their daughter and, while I don't know the family personally, I have been amazed at how the Lord is using them to show is power and glory!

Here is how their story started:

We (Phil and Gloria Shaffer) live in the San Francisco East Bay area in a quaint little town called Clayton. We were vacationing in a beach house in southern California with our three children, Vanessa (26), Stephen (23) and A.J (20) along with Vanessa's husband Ben and their son (our grandbaby!) Beckham. Ben's family was also vacationing with us, along with lots of Phil's side of the family. It was a lovefest to say the least!! We were having the time of our lives when suddenly our fabulous vacation took a very wrong turn...

On July 4th, our family was having the time of our lives at Disneyland. Unbeknownst to us, our eldest son, Stephen, (23) was gravely ill. Although Stephen showed almost NO symptoms except fatigue (and who isn't exhausted at Disneyland???) his heart was only working at 25% and his potassium levels were dangerously low.

Early in the morning on July 5, Stephen's younger brother, AJ, woke up to the sounds of his brother gasping for air. His whole body had seized up with his wrists curled under and he could not wake him up. AJ cried for help and Phil ran in and tried to wake Stephen up. Stephen took one more gasp and that was it. He stopped breathing.

I dialed 911 and the rest is a blur. Really, it was the most horrifying moment of our lives. As the paramedics worked on Stephen in the beach house, we gathered in a room crying and praying and weeping and wailing. The paramedics shocked Stephen's poor little heart three times with no results.

On the ride to the hospital, I remember praying over and over, "Please Lord, let us keep him a little longer." but when we arrived at the ER, his heart was still not beating. The staff at Hoag Hospital worked and worked on him. They tried everything to get his heart working. It took a looooooong time and many defibrillator shocks to finally get a weak pulse. Phil and I were certain we had lost our son.

Fast forward to today, July 9, when I was encouraged to write this! Stephen is still in ICU teetering between this life we have on earth and eternity with Christ. He is a Christian and I know if he dies, he will wake up in the arms of Jesus. This gives us comfort. We selfishly want him here but have placed our trust in what God wants to do with Stephen's life.

Right now Stephen's condition is a medical mystery! The doctors are baffled. How does a healthy, athletic 23 year old with no family history or prior incident have a very damaged heart that is barely pumping?? If you read through some of my earliest updates, you can read about some theories, but honestly, we really don't know.

Here is what we DO know: God caused this to happen. It sounds nicer to say God allowed this, but my God is no wimpy God. He controls everything and He chose to have our son's heart stop. Why? I can rattle off a hundred different reasons why that God has already revealed to us, but today, this is the reason that I feel God caused this: He wants His name proclaimed around the world.

Our prayer is that through Stephen's story, people who have walked away from their faith, or never knew God in the first place, would become believers and have a relationship with their Creator. 
On July 4th, our family was having the time of our lives at Disneyland. Unbeknownst to us, our eldest son, Stephen, (23) was gravely ill. Although Stephen showed almost NO symptoms except fatigue (and who isn't exhausted at Disneyland???) his heart was only working at 25% and his potassium levels were dangerously low. 

Early in the morning on July 5, Stephen's younger brother, AJ, woke up to the sounds of his brother gasping for air. His whole body had seized up with his wrists curled under and he could not wake him up. AJ cried for help and Phil ran in and tried to wake Stephen up. Stephen took one more gasp and that was it. He stopped breathing. 

I dialed 911 and the rest is a blur. Really, it was the most horrifying moment of our lives. As the paramedics worked on Stephen in the beach house, we gathered in a room crying and praying and weeping and wailing. The paramedics shocked Stephen's poor little heart three times with no results. 
On the ride to the hospital, I remember praying over and over, "Please Lord, let us keep him a little longer." but when we arrived at the ER, his heart was still not beating. The staff at Hoag Hospital worked and worked on him. They tried everything to get his heart working. It took a looooooong time and many defibrillator shocks to finally get a weak pulse. Phil and I were certain we had lost our son.  

Fast forward to today, July 9, when I was encouraged to write this! Stephen is still in ICU teetering between this life we have on earth and eternity with Christ. He is a Christian and I know if he dies, he will wake up in the arms of Jesus. This gives us comfort. We selfishly want him here but have placed our trust in what God wants to do with Stephen's life.  

Right now Stephen's condition is a medical mystery! The doctors are baffled. How does a healthy, athletic 23 year old with no family history or prior incident have a very damaged heart that is barely pumping?? If you read through some of my earliest updates, you can read about some theories, but honestly, we really don't know.  

Here is what we DO know: God caused this to happen. It sounds nicer to say God allowed this, but my God is no wimpy God. He controls everything and He chose to have our son's heart stop. Why? I can rattle off a hundred different reasons why that God has already revealed to us, but today, this is the reason that I feel God caused this: He wants His name proclaimed around the world. 

Our prayer is that through Stephen's story, people who have walked away from their faith, or never knew God in the first place, would become believers and have a relationship with their Creator. 

Come to find out, the ER doctor worked for AN HOUR to get Stephen's heart pumping again.  All the odds were stacked against him, but to make a long story short, as of yesterday (Tuesday), he is fully conscious and, while he still has a long road ahead of him, he's alive!   He's not out of the water yet, and his family is still asking for prayers.  Here is the latest update:  

3:00pm 7/11 UPDATE: The doctors are filtering through Stephen's ICU room with lots of info for us to process. 
Here's our next hurdle: Stephen's heart is severely damaged and the doctors believe most of the damage occurred before his cardiac episode. If his heart does not dramatically improve, he might need to have a defibrillation device implanted to regulate his heart. 
Here are some prayer requests that we would be grateful for you to pray for Stephen:

-Please pray that his heart gets stronger so he can walk out of here fully healed.
-Please pray for excess fluid to continue to drain off his chest and from his lungs. The ventilator helped keep fluid from pooling in his chest and lungs and now that he is off the ventilator, fluid is accumulating again which makes it harder for him to breathe.
-Now that his kidneys are functioning, his potassium levels are dropping. Pray that he holds on to potassium in his system.

On the bright side: Stephen is not only awake, his reasoning abilities are amazing. He asked me to call Brian (his boss) to let him know he'd be out of the office (of course Brian has called every day...), when he heard his potassium was low, he asked if he could eat a banana, when he heard that Austin, Brock, Cody, etc...were here when he was unconscious, he immediately asked to talk on the phone with them. He had us call Pastor Dion so he could personally thank him for praying over him and it was so precious to hear Stephen thank him over the phone. He is a little more emotional than we are used to, but the doctors assure us this is normal and they are not concerned. His brain and body have been through a lot and he has a lot of meds still in his system.

Lots of progress, lots of miracles, lots to thank God for!!!
Keep praying!!

One of things that is so amazing is how this has opened up numerous doors for this family and others to share the Gospel!  It's been so neat to read all their updates about how the Lord is working and how they're able to share God's love with so many!  If you have some time, I encourage you to sit down and read some of the updates on their website.  It has been so exciting to follow this family.

Half-Priced Starbucks

Just wanted to let y'all know that Starbucks has half-priced frappaccinos May 4-13 from 3-5 pm!!!  :)

Hannah in a Nutshell

Following my previous post, here's another Hannah quote.  I think I'll make these posts pretty regularly just so I can remember her goofy cuteness.  :)

"Look at me!  I'm a giant party!"

Haha...that pretty much sums up our little girl.  :)

Hannahisms

Ok, this post is more for my own remembrance than anything else, but you can come along on this journey with me.  Hannah says so many funny things everyday and I know I won't remember them all, so I decided to write some of them here.  Enjoy!

• Hannah, as she was laying on the couch, trying to sleep: "Linnea, don't touch me!  Mommy, "pretend Linnea" keeps touching me and I'm trying to sleep!"  (Yes, she really calls her "pretend Linnea"!  At least she knows there's a difference between her imaginary friends and her real friends!)
• We went on a hike with our Bible study a couple weeks ago and every time we came to a stream that needed to be crossed, Hannah would life her arms up to James and say, "Daddy, cross me!"
• While I was shopping at The Children's Orchard, Hannah was in the play area watching a movie.  She ran up to me with a worried look on her face.  "Mommy!  I don't want to watch the movie because it's scary!"  Me: "Why is it scary?"  Hannah: "Because the man broke the gingerbread man's feet off!  It's scary!"  Haha...it was Shrek.
• Hannah spotted a little old lady at the grocery store and excitedly exclaimed, "Mommy look!  That lady's little!  Awww...she's so cute!  Maybe she can cook in my kitchen with me because she's little."
• It recently rained (a rare occurrence for us) and Hannah was so excited and kept saying she took a shower outside!
• Whenever she sees something she wants at the store, she takes the tag and reads it: "It says, 'We can get it.'"
• One day when James came home from work: "I told my mommy that I wanted you and now you're here!"
• Explaining to her imaginary friends where we were going one morning: "We have to go to the YMCA because Mommy has to get nice and healthy and I get to play with the kids, because I like to play with the kids!"
• During Twinkle Toes one week, they were all "picking fruit" and the teacher went around asking each girl what kind of fruit she was picking.  Hannah said that she was picking bread.
• Shortly after we sit down to eat dinner most nights, Hannah looks at me with a smile and says, "Thank you for dinner, Mommy!  It's delicious!"
• One day in the car Hannah informed me, "Mommy, I like cars and trucks, but not clouds.  Just cars and trucks."
• Hannah snuck a piece of gum from my purse (I told her she can't have gum until she's 16) while I wasn't in the room.  When I came back, she was so excited and said, "Mommy!  I ate a piece of gum!  It's in my tummy!"
• While learning on Hannah's Cubbies verse, "Let the little children come to me" Hannah recited, "Let the little children go away."
• While talking to Hannah about our upcoming Parker family vacation, she said, "There's going to be lots of people and I'm going to smile and laugh at them!"
• I told Hannah we were going to Smart and Final.  As we were pulled into the parking lot, she pointed to it and asked, "Is that Smart?"  As we were leaving she asked if we were going to go to Final now.  
• We were watching the video for Steven Curtis Chapman's Cinderella.  Hannah asked James, "Daddy, the little girl is dancing with her daddy, so will you dance with me?"

This list is far from exhaustive and I can't think of some of the things she says often that are funny.  I'll post them as they come to me.

We're Still Alive

I haven't been doing very good at posting, but I just wanted to let you all know that we are still alive...and here's proof:

This picture makes me think of the Sesame Street song, "One of these things is not like the other."  Seriously, James and Hannah look related and I just look like some random person who joined them.  I promise - I am her mother!  :)

For your viewing pleasure...

Ok, so I realize I've failed miserably at posting frequent pictures.  It's not that I haven't taken pictures, it's just that they haven't left my camera.  So in the meantime, here are some videos to keep you entertained.  There is never a dull moment in our house (as you can imagine).  I don't know where she got her personality (definitely not from James or me), but we absolutely LOVE it, and couldn't have asked for a better (and more entertaining) daughter.  :)

Hannah and I went to Kohl's the other night and as soon as we walked in, she declared that she wanted to find a mirror so she could dance.  Each pillar in the store is covered in mirrors and she knew this, since we had just been there a few nights before with parents.  So, as I shopped, she did this and either wasn't aware or just didn't care that we were in the middle of a public place with other people around.  :)

Oh, and since we're on the subject of Kohl's.  When we were there with my parents, Hannah picked up a stuffed kangaroo (one of the $5 stuffed animals they always have sitting so conveniently next to the check out line).  She proceeded to carry it through the store, holding it like a baby and asking it if it wanted to go home with her or stay in the store.  According to her, it told her it wanted to go home with her.  And if that's not enough, she looked at the tag on it and confidently stated, "It says, 'We can get it.'"  So, Mama, being a good grandma, bought it for her.  Although I'm sure anyone else in the store who saw her with it would have bought it for her if my mom didn't.  :)  The next day she was at the mall with my parents and found a sign that said, "We can ride the horsey (carousel)."  According to my dad, she wanted to walk right up to the sign to make sure that that's what it said...and of course, it did.  I think we're in trouble with this little one!

And this next video.  Yes, the excitement of making homemade pitas and watching them puff up in the oven.  I admit that it is fun to watch, I just didn't realize how exciting it was.  :)