I've been wanting to let you all know what the Lord has been teaching us, particularly myself, over the past few months, and since Hannah is sleeping, one load of laundry is folded and put away and another is the dryer, the bathrooms are clean, dinner's in the crockpot, and the house is dusted, I figured when will I ever have this opportunity again? :) So here it goes!
It all started when Hannah was born. I had everything planned out. I would deliver Hannah , go home from the hospital, and begin caring for my little baby, my husband and my home. All my plans were thrown out the window when the doctor came in after 20-something hours of labor and said, "We need to do a C-section." I just wanted to burst out in tears and say, I'll push harder. However, as we later found out, the problem was with the size of my body, not with how hard I was pushing. There was nothing I could have done to avoid the C-section. For a few months following Hannah's birth (I admit, even sometimes still), I look at other women who were able to deliver their babies naturally and I think, "Lord, why couldn't I do that? Why did I have to go through so much pain and suffering?" I feel like I missed out on something by not being able to deliver my baby myself. I mean, God designed babies to come out through the labor process, not through surgery, right?
This was just the beginning of my long road of learning because God brought several more trials into my life. I ended up back in the hospital in excruciating pain just two days after being released from the hospital. Again, I questioned, "God, why me?" As if having a C-section wasn't bad enough, now I had to be back in the hospital away from James and my new born baby. I tried to keep a positive outlook on the situation, but deep down inside I was hurting and angry. I felt like I was being cheated - like I missed out on the first month of my baby's life - time that I would never get back. It just wasn't fair, or so I thought. As the days progressed, things got worse and I wondered if I would make it through. I was thankful for my dear husband and family who made numerous sacrifices to be with me as much as possible and take care of me. The church body (not just our local church, but the whole Church) was such an encouragement to me as well. I kept hearing of different people who were praying for us - even people we had never even met and who live thousands of miles away. It was quite overwhelming. However, I continued to wallow in my self-pity.
I was again released from the hospital (long story) and just wasn't getting any better, so we decided I should live with my parents for a few weeks until I was well enough to care for myself and Hannah. When I got up to my parents' house, I discovered I had to go back to the hospital for an emergency surgery, and I was terrified. That was the last thing I wanted to hear. I was left with no other choice but to trust God - everything else had been stripped away it seemed, and I realized that I had no control over my life. As my mom and I drove from the doctor's office to the hospital, I was hit with this realization. God had orchestrated every moment of this situation and He had
allowed me to go through this suffering. This left me with nothing to do but pray all the way to the hospital. I actually had a strange peace that resulted from knowing God was in control of the situation as I gave everything over to Him.
Fast forward to now. James and I have been reading through
Holiness by Grace by Bryan Chapell. The following quote from the book struck me:
Despite the teaching of Scripture, I am at times no less troubled than Christ's disciples were with God's determination to resist human efforts to purchase his love. I want to believe that God must be good to the organizations I serve, to the family I love, and to the career in which I strive because I have tried to be good. Such reasoning abandons me, however, when I honestly compare my righteousness to Christ's standards.
When I face the reality of the inadequacy of my works to merit God's favor, then I recognize that I must depend on his goodness and not mine. At times this dependence is scary because it lifts control from me, but there is no other choice when I recognize the true character of my good works. According to Scripture even my best works are only 'filthy rags' (Isa. 64:6). There is too much of human imperfection and mixed motives in my best deeds to have them obligate God to do as I wish.
Wow! That is where I was - questioning why I, one of God's children, who strove to serve and honor Him, was being put through all of this physical and emotional pain. As I read this quote, I realized that this is what I thought I deserved at the time - I was a "good" person, so why was God "punishing" me like this? I actually thought I could purchase His love! God was reminding me once again that even my best is not worthy of His redemption. It is only through Christ's righteousness that I am viewed as holy. I am a sinner, worthy of nothing but hell, yet God sent His Son to die for me and redeem me from eternal separation from Him! Any trials I endure here on earth are nothing in comparison to the eternal damnation that I deserve. Which leaves me thinking that this trial really wasn't so bad after all, was it? God is good and and used this time to teach me more about His love, care, and provision. Don't get me wrong, it was the most difficult thing I have ever endured - God never promised our life would be easy - but it was an opportunity for me to "count it all joy."
